Home Feels Like So Far Away

Tonight's message in Barre was nothing but the truth. I know I've heard this over and over again...but when am I going to give in. Jason M. preached about not being able to live two lives. I have got to choose to live for God or live with out God but I can't do both or I'll be miserable. Well, I know this.... hummmm....let me think about it some more...... will the thinking about it ever end? I know that there is a God, I know that I can trust God cause he can do anything and he is the only one in control. However, I also know that in order to live for God you must do the work. Most people seem to not have a problem with this. I didn't at first until now. I don't know what changed. Now I question why I'm living this way. So, I decided to do a do over with my walk with God. Starting at the beginning so I know exactly why. Well, guess what...starting over is hard work! It feels like I have cut most of the ties with God. I know that he is still with me but where did his power go? I love hearing his music, and praying with him but when I need to push until something happens...yeah, about that. It's not working! No actually, I'm not trying. I give up, Quit and think what a pain in the but...Why can't I get home... to the place where God and I were able to talk? For longer than five minutes!

After service I went to the golden arches with some close friends. They are definetly going home to God's house in heaven. I don't even have to say a word and in their presence which is also God's presence because they are so close, I'm able to relax. All stress goes out the window with reality leaving my thoughts. They are like family and hanging with them feels like I'm at home. Conversation or not I could just sit with them forever. So, driving home, I thought and listened to another couple of friends singing. They too are like family. Around them I feel very safe and relaxed to just be me. One day when I have a home I want that type of atomsphere. All the way home I listened to them sing. Part of the song says, " And he ran to me took me in his arms held my head to his chest and said my son's come home again" ................... Doesn't that sound so GREAT! I wish that God could just come down and hold me in his arms just to say "you know I still love you" .................... That would really help ya know...If he could just be hear to help me get back on the right road with him. I just need to get beyond this red traffic light. God, please turn the light green in time for me to make it.

I know that right now is not the time to not be right in the eyes of God. I also know that I need my own experience with God. Tonight, I asked God in the car for help, to meet me half way. It feels like I'm in the movie Facing the Giants, and I'm trying to get through the death crawl. I told God I need help, I can't make it to the end...please meet me half way. I cried and I waited... He said,"no?" What is up with that? But God can do anything. I know he wants to come half way and meet me but he has reached a point where he has got to see that I want to be near him too. I thought to myself and said to God, "But it hurts too much!" And God said,"yeah, but If it doesn't hurt than you'll never push through and get motivated to find your way to me!"

This is a bit much. Why does everyone have to have their own experience? I wish mine was easier. Well, it looks like I am over the hunny moon period! Now I get to work for what I want. I don't want to grow up...I want to be a ToysRus Kid. But hopefully the bible is right when it said, "Greater is he that is with in me."

Calling it like it is...so, what is it really?

What is going on? Will someone please let me know who I am? Right now I'm full of confusion and know matter what I do, I'm just not doing good enough. Living for God is not working because I don't know what is really God and what is me or human. Some people think that I am practicing my liberty by some of the general observations, but they are far from the truth. I'm so glad that people think that they know all of my intentions when I'm not even sure of my own intentions.
Living like worldly people does not work either, because I have been not living like the people of this world. I don't sin and make poor choices like some of them do. Really, I wish that people would help me through encouragement, providing me with feedback or suggestions with scriptures to back up their thoughts. If others used common sense when they decide to open their mouths then, It would be easier for me to take into consideration what they're really trying to tell me. Telling others what you think they should do now or in the future would be more beneficial to see some kind of change.
So, finishing up this post...I really hope for my sake that I figure out how to live as a Christian, individual, Professional, Family member, Friend, Student and whatever other role life decides to throw my way. I'm getting tired of trying to be good enough and I'm resorting to the familiar, however far back familiar seems to be to me. I will not be told what to do or how to act but I will live according to the values that I learn over time to be righteous. In some peoples opinions, I am currently not showing that I am able to be a righteous person but that is why I must start from the beginning and learn through self teaching. I wish that self teaching didn't have to involve so much but with the feeling of little support in general all around makes self teaching a must. I do want my own experiences but they're just not available to me or so it seems.
I must apologize for being in such a down mood right now. I'm posting exactly what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, and although it sounds depressing ... hey, at least it is all honest. Hopefully, the next post will be written with some kind of hope.

God Bless Bill Collectors!

God Bless Bill Collectors! I'm glad God loves everyone, cause someone has to show them love. And right now it's not going to be me. Man, that sounds awful but I am doing a pretty darn good job of paying off old debt. But They're Still Not happpy! Surprise! Due to the fact that I am complaining this post will not be long. If you haven't guessed I'm a bit disgruntled. Well, moving on...I hope everyone is having a good day. And a little word of advice. If bill collectors are calling you, it might be best to leave the phone off the hook, if you would like to stay in a good mood. Have a good day! And God Bless!

Man, what a horrible christian example. If you're reading this and you're christian then remember to keep your eyes focused on God and not the ways of man. Or woman ... or pretty much me when I'm in a bad mood. :)

The Real Truth

What is the real truth? Many people seem to know different versions of what the truth is to them that will set them free. To many people the truth is different. Some truths for one person, are simply not the same or equivalent to other beliefs of what the truth really is. Could everyone be trying to justify what they believe to be true? If this is the case, we might all be wrong. So, many people judge and are critics of other people, when they should really be focusing on themselves. And even focusing on yourself could be not good because you can be deceived. What are we all to do? Many people seek God for the answer. God is a great source for walking on the path to righteousness.
Some where in the bible, it says something similar to this. Straight and narrow is the path of righteousness and there are few who find it. If anyone knows the scripture that I'm thinking of feel free to write the exact wording. This verse was stated in the movie Facing the Giants, when David was being taught how to kick the football straight through the field goal. Right now, I'm wondering how in the world am I going to find my way to the truth? Especially, already knowing that straight and narrow is the path and there are few who find it. Please God, send me a message, call me up or drop me a line, so that I to can find the truth.